When the Universe wants me to pay attention to something, repeated uncanny synchronicities occur in my life. I feel called to share with you recent experiences in this regard.
I never had been one of those people who worried about my age. Turning 30, 40, 50, or 60 did not phase me, but suddenly as my 65th birthday approached last October, and I would become “Medicare eligible”, I felt both shocked and disoriented that I would soon be turning 65.
A few days before my 65th birthday, I attended a meeting of a book group. Before the formal discussion began, members were socializing with one another and I was chatting with a couple who I did not know well. The conversation went as follows:
He: How is your practice going these days?
Me: I am very busy.
He: I guess there must be a lot of really sick people out there.
Me: Well, I don’t really think that’s what it’s about. I think it has more to do with the fact that today many people want something more holistic and spiritual than just taking medications.
He: Oh! So you are like a holistic health coach.
Me: No, I am a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and astrologer so I actually have quite a bit more training than a holistic health coach.
He: They probably like to see you because you are old.
I was speechless and that was the end of the conversation.
No one had ever said I was old before. It was notable to me that I did not construe in his characterization of me as “old,” that he was saying that my cachet was due to the fact that I am an experienced mature clinician. Calling me “old” felt aggressively and unmistakably devaluing. Given the context of my preoccupation with turning 65 in a few days, it felt like the Universe had planted him there to give me an explicit opportunity to deal with my own prejudices about aging. Transforming our belief systems in this regard is so important, as it has a profound impact on our capacity to thrive as we age.
There can be no doubt that the modern world is profoundly age-ist and that we are strongly conditioned to have a negative view of aging. From early childhood, we are constantly bombarded with messages that reflect extremely derogatory stereotypes of age that are simply not true.
Our internal narrative in this regard literally impacts longevity. A researcher and professor of psychology and epidemiology at the Yale School of Public Health, Dr. Becca Levy, studied her subjects’ attitudes about aging when they were in late middle age and then followed them longitudinally. Those who characterized older people as weak or dependent died seven and a half years earlier than those who thought of older people as experienced and wise.
She also determined that those in middle age with no cognitive impairment, but who harbored negative views of aging, went on to develop brain changes associated with Alzheimer’s Disease. The more negative their stereotypes, the more severe the brain changes.
Numerous other studies have confirmed that poor health outcomes are associated with the belief that aging is associated with decline or disability, whereas when we think of aging as a time for continued growth and new possibilities, we become measurably healthier. Participants in studies who had similar health, socioeconomic status, and education levels who had a negative view of aging showed a greater decline in memory, had higher rates of cardiac disease, were less likely to eat a healthy diet and exercise, and had lower odds of recovering from severe illness.
This is a chart taken from a Wall Street Journal article titled “To Age Well, Change How you Feel About Aging”. The data disproves the widely held belief that aging is associated with decline, and shows, in fact, that older adults report a better quality of life than younger adults. Having a negative mindset about aging can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is why it’s crucial to raise our consciousness in this regard.
The two factors that are most influential in terms of aging well are not your physical health, but how you feel about aging and the robustness of your social network. It is of course true that there are inevitable painful realities that accompany aging. We lose people we love, and we may no longer be able to do some of the things we valued doing when we were younger, though we can often still do versions of them that are satisfying. The losses are real, but so are the gains.
Here are two more personal anecdotes, both occurring on the same day last week. I was walking with a friend in the morning who is in her early 50s. The friendly crossing guard asked us, “Are the two of you mother and daughter?” I was shocked that she thought that I was that much older than my friend. This time I was not speechless. I joked, “Yes, she is my mother.” Later on that same day in the afternoon, as I was loading groceries into my car in the Costco parking lot, a perky young woman with pigtails and a flowered print dress who reminded me of a missionary, stopped to ask, “Do you need me to give you a hand?” I was absolutely floored. I was not struggling in the least. I just said, ” Thanks, I am fine.’ Both of these exchanges stunned me and again provided rich opportunities to witness how unwelcome it was to me to be perceived as older. There is clearly more work for me to do in this regard. Inner ageism is not a mindset that can be transcended easily, as it is so deeply ingrained by a lifetime of conditioning and our youth worshipping culture.
In my own spiritual practice, I regularly make use of the Tarot and other oracle card decks to provide guidance and insight. I have recently been working with a gorgeous powerful shamanic deck of cards with images of watercolors paintings with themes drawn from the ancient dwellings and artifacts of the Four Corners area of the USA by southwest artist Jan Wright called “Hands of the Ancients Medicine Cards.” A few days ago I was reflecting on the fact that the connection with my Guides and Ancestors feels stronger today than it ever has before, and that it seems to have to do with being older. It was clear to me that the concerns of my former younger self had interfered with my intuitive capacities. I then pulled card #13 “North Direction: Wisdom, Vision, Winter, Old Age.” Yesterday, before I sat down to write this post, I again pulled a card from the same deck for guidance and got the very same card. This is a picture of it:
Here is an excerpt from the interpretation that was in reference to aging, “with less stress, we get to a place of “knowing” of sensing other dimensions, and of feeling a closeness to Spirit, in whatever form you believe. As we have more time and as our bodies go through many stages to graying, more aches and pains, and less strength, we often open to more creative expression. Vision and Knowing come more easily”.
I know that this is not true for everyone and that it’s important to avoid generalizations about the experience of aging. but it does describe how I feel. It’s an essential part of the blessing of aging for me and helps as I wrestle to transcend my culturally conditioned expectation about my capacities becoming diminished with age. It is only by a regular practice of becoming more self-aware, that we can transcend the ingrained internalized negative beliefs that are so inimical to living our most vital creative lives as we age.
On that same day that I was asked if I was my friend’s mother and my encounter with the young woman who offered to help me load my groceries, the podcast ” We Can Do Hard Things” by the author of the book Untamed, Glennon Doyle, and her sister Amanda, was mentioned twice to me by two different people. The podcast is described as follows:
“On We Can Do Hard Things, my sister Amanda and I will do the only thing I’ve found that has ever made life easier: We will drop the fake and talk honestly about the hard. Each week we will bring our hard to you and we will ask you to bring your hard to us and we will do what we were all meant to do down here: Help each other carry the hard so we can all live a little bit lighter and braver, more free and less alone.”
Two nights ago, the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast featured a wonderful interview with the visionary pro-aging activist Ashton Applewhite.
Here is a link to the podcast episode and Ashton Applewhite’s 2017 TED talk.
We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Interview with Ashton Appleton.
Dear Judy,I am glad to know such a wise person,hopefully a beneficial guide(I said hopefully because I haven’t read much from your posts and sources you sent us due to some recent challenges in my life) . I am 22, your post made me wonder how I am gonna get through aging if I manage to live longer. Again glad to know a wise elder like you. Bests- Nureddin from Turkey
What a pleasure, Nureddin to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. I have no doubt, that you will be very wise when you are my age. You are already so far ahead compared to most people your age. Honored to be connected with you!
YES, Judy, I so agree that people in our society fear aging, when there are so many gifts that come with (our) age (im also 66). I appear as very youthful still, and have yet to encounter the types of stereotyped behaviors that you describe here,…. and feel blessed in fact to be working now with some older folks who are facing infirmity and decline, as indicators of what may possibly await me in my journey. I so agree that our mindset and expectations are powerful, and that going with the flow and not resisting changes will be the most fruitful ways to navigate our senior years.
Thank you for sharing your wise and thoughtful post!
Hi Rob, So nice to hear from you! I am increasingly impressed with the power of mindset and expectations in creating so many aspects of our lives and experiences. It’s actually stunning. Hope to see you in May!
Anne Starr sent me your wonderful piece because I moaned a bit this morning about feeling my age and feeling sad about my loss of some former capacities. I am 77 and never thought of myself as old till a couple of years ago when my body seemed to get a lot more fragile and my looks droopier in just a few years. The change seemed rapid as opposed to the earlier aging that was very gradual, almost imperceptible.. I still feel young at heart, creative and engaged in life. I am happily and well-connected to colleagues across the world.
At fifty I changed hairdresser because mine insisted on coloring my greying hair. I have been proud of showing up natural. I also gladly accept help when I am traveling with cane and hearing aide….
Still find becoming older at times – mot always – a real challenge. I call myself a crone. It allows me to speak up without the fear of losing my career. Being an elder also gives us some credit and lee-way that younger folks don’t have…
Thanks for writing. I like how you described both the blessings and challenges of aging. I think at 65, as I have not yet experienced much in the way of diminishment of my physical capacities, I am particularly struck with being clearly seen as older when it’s not how I feel inside. That discrepancy provided the opportunity to observe my own inner ageist and to make an effort to shift my consciousness.
Thanks Judy. I found this extremely insightful. I often feel like a 35 year old in a 55 year old body, and sometimes my body gives me a reality check…I’ve often pondered what the coming years will hold for me, and so your reminder to be more alert to my own inner ageism is very timely. Thank you!
Thanks, Artemis, for writing. I am so glad that the post resonated. Becoming aware of our own self-limiting beliefs is really helpful.
Judy, thank you so much for such well presented and an inspirational writing! You and I are almost the exact same age as I too turned 65 in October, so this really resonated with me. I never thought of 65 as old and I am wondering if you were at all bothered by the fact that it kept being drilled into us with the corona virus and who was so vulnerable and compromised and in the first group to get all treatments? Thank you also for turning me on to the We Can do Hard Things podcast –it is great.
Thank you, Marcia, for taking the time to write. I did not feel bothered by the repetition that 65 and older are more vulnerable to Covid. I took it as an epidemiological reality. I am at the moment more concerned with my own internal ageism and how I can undermine myself with self-limiting beliefs. That is in my control. Glad u like “ We Can Do Hard Things”!
Emily T sent me the link to your article – thank you for writing so eloquently about the cultural insistence that aging is a pathology. I have definitely had similar experiences to yours, and sometimes react with humor – and sometimes not.
If you haven’t yet seen the work of Dr. Mario Martinez (clinical neuro-psychologist), he does research on the effects of cultural messages on health and longevity. He’s written at least two books on the subject – The MindBody Code and The MindBody Self; both are well worth a look.
I’m so glad to know of these other resources, including your own work.
Thanks for writing. The more I learn, the more impressed I am with the powerful impact mindset has upon our bodies. And of course, mindset is so profoundly influenced by cultural conditioning. Thanks for mentioning those books. They sound really interesting.
I have this idea that age/years on the planet isn’t the key factor on why people present as old.
Instead of age as the factors I suggest people consider the concept of ACCUMULATION.
I suggest you take a moment and explore what that is for you before reading on.
In my mind accumulation can be physical restrictions, weight, toxins, toxic relationships, limiting beliefs, the list of symptoms and diseases, illnesses, habits, aches and pains. The longer the list this contributes to one feeling old no matter their age.
The Mind
SO many people have ideas about how one should live based on age and gender. Explore the times you say or think “for someone your age” about yourself and others.
I fully acknowledge this takes COURAGE, ie “le coeur” = “the heart” in French. May your light heart lead the way!
Love this comment. It brought to mind accumulating things that don’t serve us and erode our vitality and weigh us down, and that which we accumulate which deepen and broaden and elevate and focus our perspective and vision. It cuts both ways. And wow, yes, courage is so necessary to really express ourselves fully. I like your mention of self-limiting beliefs. It can be scary to let go of them and venture outside our comfort zone of the devil we know.
I too thought about adding about that which we accumulate that elevates, but thought that would water down the focus on aging.
It definitely deserves attention > the more we focus on that which elevates, the more we get it!
Judy, this topic must touch a lot of raw nerves; I think this is the longest list of replies I’ve seen to one of your posts.
At age 73, I’m having the opposite problem. I persist in imagining that I can accomplish what I did as a younger person: That I have physical strength, stamina, and balance; that my mind works as well as ever; that I am as insightful and creative as ever. Then I inevitably come up against my limitations and feel mortal, helpless, and–worst of all–useless.
My rational mind knows that age is as much an artificial construct as race or sex. It wasn’t that long ago that I was joking that I hadn’t yet decided what I would be when I grew up. And I often bring to mind the time my grandmother–then in her eighties–told me that she was continually surprised to look in the mirror and see that she wasn’t sixteen.
But there is this appalling thing called reality, very much a double-edged sword. Your focus here is on not accepting the characterizations that others want to foist on us, yet in my case at least the struggle is to accept certain ineluctable truths. I sense that it has largely to do with the I Ching hexagram that has come up for me most throughout my life: Limitations. Several decades ago I could tell my mother exactly what her problem was, but now that I’m in her shoes, I am resisting my own advice kicking and screaming.
Just tossing out my immediate musings. Many thanks, as always, for sharing your understandings as they emerge.
You are right, I am focused on my own internalization of the negative stereotypes, not my own limitations. That may be because I am 65 and because I was never a particularly athletic person, I am not unhappy that I cannot downhill ski or play tennis like I used to. The things I like to do, like walk or hike or do yoga, I am still quite capable of doing. I don’t feel limited yet by my age in terms of my physical capacity. That will surely also be in store for me eventually. Sometimes when I play games with my children who are all in their 20s and the game requires speed, I am so much worse than they are. That is humbling for sure. But if I have a chance to take my time and reflect, I often still beat them. I do feel shocked when I look in the mirror. I think that is why being perceived as old or characterized that way feels so discordant. It’s not how I feel inside at all. Acceptance is definitely a spiritual practice and the failure to do so is a big cause of suffering. And of course, easier said than done. I love the I-Ching. Do you know Steven Karcher’s book, “The I-Ching, the Symbolic Life?” His interpretations never fail me. Very evocative. Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective.
Thank you for this really fabulous piece on aging! I can relate having turned 65 right around the same time as you know! 😉
I laughed with so many of your stories you shared! It’s totally true, how we hold aging in our own mind not only dictates how we experience it but also how others do as well! It’s up to us to elevate this to its truest place of “ more time to reflect, to be grateful, to be curious, to fully experience life, to bring our wisdom to life and the dance continues! Thank you so much for your voice and beautifully articulating this with such wisdom, humor and compassion!
Thank you, Kalia, for taking the time to write. I just love what you wrote about elevating this time to its truest place of “more time to reflect, to be grateful, to be curious, to fully experience life, to bring our wisdom to life and the dance continues.” Just reading your words uplifted me. This post inspired many age-mate old friends to write wonderful comments. That has been a bonus. It provided an opportunity to hear the voices of friends from many different chapters and corners of my life.
thank you for this article….i needed to read it right now….yesterday was my 65th birthday…woo hoo, so impressed to have made it this far!! what a journey life is…🛶
So great, Wendy! Happy Birthday. I got feedback from a number of readers that they needed to hear this message right now, and I needed to write it right now. We are all connected and resonating together. It feels really good to be in the flow in this way. Hope you had a nice birthday and many blessings for the year to come.
Wonderful piece. Thank you.
As a 68-year-old holistic psychotherapist, I am happily embracing being old.
I like it when people cut me some slack because of my age.
While no one has offered to help me with my groceries, yet, I would be delighted if they did.
For me, aging is like a cosmic permission slip to not care so much about the carapace and truly focus on what’s within.
If you, or anyone reading this, would like some extra help during these challenging times, please check out my website: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/. Despite the name, it provides 100% free support, resources, and comfort for all life‘s issues and transitions, not just the cosmic hazing of divorce. No ads and nothing for sale. Please share it with anyone who might benefit.
That’s a spiritual achievement to happy embrace being old and a great attitude to be delighted if someone offered to help you with your groceries instead of feeling diminished. I also like what you said about it being a cosmic permission slip to truly focus on what is within, though I have to say, that these days I am aware of the carapace as spirit manifested as matter.
Thank you for this writing. I’m at a crossroads in my life and the universe sent me your blog post. I am going to end my love affair with alcohol. So much of my mindset has been about my age. It’s astonishing. And, ironically, alcohol is very aging. I am 69 and I laughed out loud at your mother/daughter story. I’ve had similar experience. Just yesterday a woman half my age called me honey and said she would take my grocery cart back into the store for me with a look that said she was doing her Girl Scout duty by helping an old gal.
Thanks for making me think about this. People can’t see the real person when they only see a sag or a grey hair. Going alcohol free for me is facing a different stigma but one that is being met by many people that now promote and support abstinence based lifestyle.
Your comment deeply moved me and has made my day. One of my dearest childhood friends, a very high functioning person, always had 2 gin and tonics every night. She suddenly decided to stop drinking, when serendipitously an e-mail landed in her inbox from an organization called Sober Sis. It linked her with other women who formed a small leaderless group who supported one another to stop drinking for 30 days to start. It was a deeply meaningful experience for her to connect with others in this common endeavor. It’s been close to a year now and she has been having all sorts of improvements in how she feels. Sleeping better, less anxiety, stopping taking an anti-depressant that she had been on for years. It’s been very moving to witness. Thanks again for writing. ❤️
Thank you❤️
HI Judy. Thank you for sharing this on FB. I just turned 75 and have always thought that role models are found in those women who come before or after our own age seem to have quite an important place in our lives. My mother died at 96 and up until then she engaged life with a smile for all those who helped her as she weakened. I also want to add my own sense of importance in regard to my intention to model healthy, natural aging for my daughter and granddaughters . My granddaughters (10 and 13) came over last night and mindfully performed the crazy task of pulling out those little chin hairs (which do bother me) . All done with laughter and no shame. I suppose acceptance is pretty key here……quality, not quantity of one’s years…..
Such a wonderful comment. Thank you. I love the details of the chin hair and the laughter and no shame. It’s a beautiful gift to model a joy-filled version of aging to your grandchildren. You had the blessing of a mother who did that for you. Many people have had parents who did not age with such a positive mindset as your mom. When that is the case, there is, even more need to bring consciousness and intentionality
to the whole topic, as we are so prone to identify and have expectations that our parents’ experiences will be the way that it will be for us. Thanks again.
Thanks for this, Judy… we have the power to influence ageist culture and your eloquent post moves us closer to a healthier (wiser?) collective consciousness.
Pauline
Thanks, Pauline, for the acknowledgment. It feels exciting and empowering to me to identify this and to become aware of it’s pernicious effect so that we are not at its mercy.
I love everything about this! Your sharing of the world’s messages through synchronicity, and such good laughs for me, about the groceries and mother daughter thing, and a bit of a jolt from the book club comment. I love that you shared your deck with us, and also links to studies about aging- those apparent extremes, which of course are not extremes, as if science and “knowing” cannot co-exist. thank you for all the time you spend writing for us while you work on your own clarities and processes.
I am looking forward to sharing this with my midlife and senior clients!
Thank you, Deb, your appreciation of it gave me pleasure! So glad that you will be sharing the post with your clients. Raising awareness empowers us to say “I don’t buy it and I am not going to take on those projections.”
Hi Judy,
I love your piece and Ashton Applewhite’s feisty call for Age Pride. This feels like a deep and layered issue for me, one I often find myself wrestling with in the back of my mind – often to my detriment.
Anne
I don’t think it’s possible to be a woman or a man in this culture without being subject to negative ageist sterotyping and conditioning. It’s imperative for all of us to wrestle with it in order to free ourselves and not internalize the disempowering and literally sickening messages. It’s actually a public health crisis when you think about it.
The glorification of youth annoys me no end and so does the hostility against older people. Two years ago, at the age of 62, I went off to Germany (I’ve been living in Ireland for nearly 30 yrs.) to do my in-school-teacher training. Back in the 80s there was no chance getting a job as a teacher. I just thought, okay I’ll do it now. Boy, did I get a lot of abuse because of my age. I was dazed and confused, then angry. Legally, I’m entitled to a place but the principals clearly told me they didn’t want me but they had to take me. So I went back to Ireland. They wouldn’t have let me pass.
I think older people have a vast amount of knowledge and experience as well as skills. The younger should learn from them. And older people should dress young as it makes you feel very differently. The biggest problem is that other people stop you in your tracks because they see you as old and they project their ideas onto people of how they should be at a certain age. I had this experience already when I was only 32, in spite of looking years younger. These limits bother me to a certain degree. I often have to make detours to get where I want to go.
That all sounds enraging. in the podcast episode of “We Can Do Hard Things.” Ashton Applewhite was very articulate about there being no way of dressing that is only appropriate for a certain age person. These are all just rigid limiting cultural constructs that are ridiculous. We have a long way to go as a society in terms of age discrimination. I am at this point, most interested in paying attention so that I do not internalize the negative messages.
It’s not so much enraging, more frustrating. Especially women have to fight hard to get somewhere in live. Mostly, they just give up at some stage. No,, there is no dress code for a certain age but some things make you look older or younger and people treat you accordingly to a certain degree. But I think people are also angry if someone doesn’t live by their “rules”. Like I should think about my old age and not try and start something new at my age. How dare I. But once again, I found something else that I can do and no one can stop me. Men also face these discriminations but not to that degree. They often have a career boost at that age. Women end up on the scrap heap.
Keep your vibration elevated in the face of all of it. That is the best medicine, in whatever way you are able. Don’t let it bring you down. Not to deny, but not to give it energy. For myself, it has shifted things to not succumb to my own inner ageist. That is what I can control.
Judy, this is a wonderful post….your Costco experience takes me back to my trip to Cathar country in the French Pyrenees in 2013(a definite south node visit)…we had 2 female 50ish Methodist clerics in our small group; one of them kept treating me like I was 100 asking if I needed her to carry my camera bag, etc…despite me trying to tell her nicely that I was fine, she didn’t quit and it honestly became very irritating! Trust you are well and thriving as usual! Gaye
Good to hear from you, Gaye! And also I felt less alone to read about your similar experience in France of being treated as enfeebled. It’s interesting. These helpers consciously experience themselves as trying to do a good deed, but in fact, the recipient of their solicitous behavior feels diminished by them. I actually wonder about it as an expression of unconscious hostility.
So beautifully and eloquently said in a way that certainly resonates with me. Fascinating to learn the long term impact of such a negative mindset. I suspected as much and appreciate the science to back it up. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Reva, for taking the time to write. So glad that the piece resonated with you. The science says that the two most influential factors in aging well are mindset and having a strong social network/community. There is much in our society that makes both of those protective factors easier said than done. We really need to make a special point of cultivating our friendships and connections and to be really intentional about transcending our default programming about what it means to be “old”.
Thank you Judy, Timely. I’ll share with our Elder Council, we just met yesterday. Another synchronicity. Love, Nora
I love synchronicities. They are linked for me with a feeling of wonder. Like I know I am in the flow when they are happening often. I am honored that you plan to share the post with your Elder Council. Sending love.
I am contemplating the ideas you brought up. So many resonate with me and my wrestling with approaching that 65 year benchmark in a little over a year. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughtful musings!
So glad the post resonated! It makes me happy to hear that. It’s uplifting to me. Thanks for writing to let me know.
Bow to you, with deep appreciation for your words here.
Thank you, Marilyn, for taking the time to write. It’s so nice to hear from you.
Thank you! This was very helpful to me as an older and wiser person.
So glad that you found it helpful! Thanks for taking the time to tell me.